


Trying Hard To Fill The Emptiness

by carnivalinsidemyhead



Series: We Are Beautiful [3]
Category: Take That
Genre: Angst, Insecurity, Loneliness, References to Depression, References to Drugs, References to Emotional Overeating, references to alcoholism, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28206093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carnivalinsidemyhead/pseuds/carnivalinsidemyhead
Summary: This part of the series focuses on the wilderness years. Everyone is lost and broken.
Series: We Are Beautiful [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034649
Kudos: 10





	1. I Don’t Wanna Rock, DJ

**Author's Note:**

> This is still dark but things will start to turn around in the next part.

He cranks up the bass until the walls shake, watching the throngs of sweaty people grinding on each other from his semi hidden vantage point in the booth at the back of the club. 

It’s almost like the old days, seeing people dancing to his music.

Well, back then it had been Gazza’s music, really. And he’d been there to be ogled at.

But he’d been part of the music. Been a bigger part of it than he reckoned most people realized, otherwise maybe he wouldn’t have had so many doors slammed in his face after the band broke up.

Not that Gaz was doing that great himself these days.

Not that he was good enough to be a solo artist, really.

This was fine, actually. It was good. He got to play what he liked and mix it his own way and to see people enjoy it. 

It was nearly as good as being in the band.

Nearly.

Not near enough though.

He keeps thinking that after five years he should have stopped being so bloody lonely.

But he can’t stop missing the boys.

And they don’t seem to want to know.


	2. You Alright, Star?

He’s rich. Rich beyond his wildest dreams, as he’d so embarrassingly boasted on MTV Cribs. He rolls his eyes thinking about it. He was such a twat sometimes, but it was the brand. 

It wasn’t him.

Really, it wasn’t.

All that swaggering around was just overcompensation to mask his insecurities.

Surely people realized that, right?

Surely they didn’t all hate him because he was full of himself?

Oh god, they probably all actually hate him.

Probably all think he’s a twat.

Maybe I actually am at that, he thinks. Why else would he keep swinging at Gary?

Because it sells records.

Because he hates him.

Doesn’t he?

Of course he does. The alternative would be unthinkable.

He shakes his head and takes a handful of pills and heads out the door into the L.A. night.


	3. Eating The Pop Star

It’s been good, it has, living in L.A. and working as a songwriter. No one there knows who he is and he couldn’t be happier about that.

He couldn’t look less like a pop star anymore but then he never really did even when he was one. 

He starts tentatively developing some healthy habits. Still eating too much and smoking too much and drinking too much but working on it and making himself be more active.

It’s easy to want to move in sunny L.A.

Still, it’s not home, California isn’t. As much as they’ve enjoyed soaking in the sunshine, they miss the English rain. 

And so the Barlows come back to England and he finds himself slipping back into his old habits. Eating quite a bit more than a bit too much, the smoking and drinking staying the same.

The smoking is supposed to curb his appetite but it doesn’t seem to work.

It’s probably ruining his vocal chords but that’s a moot point now.

And the weather is shit all the time, unlike L.A. so who wants to go out and exercise?

He’d much rather lie on the couch and watch telly and eat. 

And eat.

But who cares? He’s fine.

He listlessly clicks through the channels and stops short when he sees Mark’s face.

And he finds himself welling up and he tells himself not to be so daft.


	4. I Probably Just Smiled The Right Way

He’s been dropped by his record label. Again. 

He spent five years trying to get a deal and then they axed him after one record.

Maybe Nigel was right, he thinks, maybe I am just a pretty face.

Eight years and two failed solo attempts post Take That and what is he still best known for?

Being the cute smiley one and winning Big Brother by being nice.

Because he’s the nice one innit he?

Nobody wants to hear that the nice one has a dark side.

Nobody wants to hear music that doesn’t make them feel happy. That doesn’t match their picture of him.

Nobody wants to know that the nice one cruises bus stations to pick up pretty young girls and take them to shady, skeevy motels.

Nobody wants to know that the nice one is slowly and steadily developing a drink problem.

He should have just kept to being the smiley nice one.

Because nobody wants to know.


	5. A Voice Willing Me To Fail

He can’t sleep.

It’s been four years since he’s had to deal with Nigel fucking Martin Smith on a daily basis and he still can’t sleep for shit.

The smug twat follows him around in his head. His stupid oily voice telling him he’s shit.

Willing him to fail. 

Even in bloody Thailand he’s there.

He can nearly tune him out during the daytime. If he keeps himself occupied enough, that is. Nearly make him shut up.

But in the small hours, when the world is paused and he’s lying there waiting for sleep to hit, that’s when Nigel comes in the loudest.

Or nearly the loudest.

Because he is all but deafening, all but screaming “you stupid twat” as, after far more trepidation than was probably necessary, Jason picks up the phone and calls a college admissions office to ask for information about their A Level courses.

“PISS OFF, NIGE.” He yells back in his brain and wills himself to focus on what the nice lady is telling him.


End file.
